And the man died and so did the woman
While it may have come as a shock to a lot of people that a man would arrive at the Lagos third mainland bridge, get his driver to stop and leap to his death, it is not surprising to some of us that have kept an eagle eye on mental health in the country. It is very easy to live with another person and not know that they are falling apart. We are socialised to keep up appearances, to pretend that all is well, to bottle our anger and not to discuss our challenges. Overtime these become toxic to the system and our minds fail us and lead us to do the most unimaginable things. We assume that depression is just a two day unhappiness stint but it is a real huge problem; an elephant in the room. The recession has not helped. Unemployment is not helping. Failed businesses and broken down relationships are not helping either amongst other things. It is sad how we fail to understand that everybody has a 5 minutes rage, a 10 minutes illogicality in their DNA arising from stress, sadness, failure to meet set goals and love gone sour.
Earlier in the week, Airman Kalu at the Airforce base in Makurdi shot and killed his girlfriend Airwoman Oladipupo Solape in an early morning tragedy. Solape, as the press has now reported, was a hardworking focused young lady whose dream to join the Armed forces was predicated on her hatred of injustice. Waitress, petrol attendant, Solape had done them all. Her father described her as a support base, his eyes, which have now been plucked out. Solape’s death saddens me deeply because over the years, men who feel self entitled in and out of love would always play dog in a manger-“can’t have her, won’t let another have her”.
The extraordinary story surrounding the death of Solape explains many things about love and consent. The story is that Kalu had accused Solape of infidelity and decided that he would take her life and then take his but only Solape’s obituary is now ringing worldwide. No one has heard of Kalu’s passing. Solape’s family say they don’t even know him. He had not been introduced talk-less paying a dowry. She told a few friends and family that she was going out with him but told her father that she was thinking of ending it because he was violent. But Kalu was not ready to give her up preferring rather to kill her and ruin his own life.
Who qualifies to take another’s life? To take a life is to me blasphemous because none of us can create a hair on a person’s head and so have no right to take that which was given by the Almighty. As growing girls we all encountered men who were obsessed about us. Remember that one that refuses to leave the corner of your father’s house and comes everyday without fail? They are often countless doing the most bizarre things to get your attention. If every man who receives a woman’s rejection chooses to kill the woman, all women will be dead. There are a few men who have succeeded by perseverance to win the heart of the women they love but in a lot of other cases, the woman’s ‘No’ is a ‘No’ and not a fluke.
Kalu’s case unfortunately is an ad mix up of self entitlement, love sickness and that nonsensical part of men worldwide which says “when a woman says ‘No’ she actually means ‘Yes’. This strand in a man’s head that prevents him from understanding that a woman is an individual who can say No has led to many rape cases and the destruction of many women’s lives. This should, as a matter of urgency, be wiped out by socialisation, research and legal institutions. A rape case in a school in far away America, which pretty much ruined the girl’s life led to something as ridiculous as a two month imprisonment for the boy because he was a star footballer for his school and came from a rich family. I have always felt that when it comes to wrong doings, women are short-changed. The law is unkind and institutions are discriminatory.
Back to Kalu, the world is calling for his head, the Airforce is calling for a court martial first. The signs indicate a premeditated murder. He signed for a service weapon and did not return it and then put up on Facebook that he was going to do something that will make him unforgettable which was related to love. He shot at her and committed murder.
Taking another person’s life is both a criminal, moral and a spiritual offence but if you are not at war and you seek to kill another no matter the circumstances it is time to check your mental health. Again mental health issues need to be carefully looked into. Physical health issues are easier to deal with because you can see where the wound/pain is. But when the mind which is not loyal wanders off, it is extremely difficult to call back. The medical doctor who jumped into the lagoon at the Lagos third mainland bridge, the young man who murdered his mother at Ogun state about a week ago, now Airman Kalu who shot and killed his purported girlfriend all had physical appearances that said they were fine.
Stress, sadness, failed goals, love gone sour, broken relationships can all lead to depression and with depression comes unimaginable and often irrational actions that cost us all dearly if not properly managed. As a nation there is an urgent need to put in place proper structures at institutions, workplaces, etc. that will ensure that routine physical and mental assessment is carried out to help manage mental health.
We need to also be kind to one another. Lend a listening ear. Show love and affection for you never know how much a kind word can change and if just listening could have saved a life.
Eugenia Abu