Sister-in-law issues

He used to call her Twinkle star, my little pumpkin, sweetheart as they grew up. She adored him, he was her hero. He could do no wrong. She knew he was rude and impatient but as they say blood is thicker than water so she looked the other way. She knew his many deep seated faults but he adored her and that was all that mattered. He was after all her big brother.

She walked him to school, prepared his meals and bathes him when he was little. She, ahead of anyone else washed his little something along with their mum. She knew him inside out and could always get whatever she wanted from him. He adored her, went to her for advice, first showed her his girlfriend, the one he wanted to marry. She helped him decide which girl was best for him. He left his fiancée with her for a week. If she approved then good. The girl on the other hand either behaved, did what Aunty wanted or she was out. More often than not, the girl played along.

Now that they are married, Aunty is the third person in the marriage and still wants her brother to do her bidding. After all he is still her little brother.

Sister-in-law issues have been with us for a long time. It is so ingrained in most cultures that when you watch a movie, a young man is concerned about whether his sisters are going to like his girlfriend. It is a constant worry for men. They are nervous when they bring their fiancées before their sisters. It is nerve-wracking. They need the sisters to like their wives to be; otherwise it is war. This journey is made worse by self entitled sister-in-laws whose only interest is to find fault even where there is none. Some go out of their way to embarrass their brothers. It is difficult to understand how a fully married woman in her own house goes off to another woman’s house to fight because it is their brother’s house. Some show up and want to cart away everything the family has. “Na my brother house now”. It is true that there are wives who are no good for our brothers but first it’s their choice and second, there are better ways to deal with it. Cases abound of sister-in-laws destroying their brothers’ marriages. Some of those brothers are now without wives in their old age with much regret and they have their sisters who cannot give them what a wife would have given them. They have their own lives and their brothers are miserable and alone. You attend weddings and the mother of the groom or bride is seated in a different place from the father of the groom or bride. Not a pleasant sight.

I have seen sister-in-laws who turn up in their brothers’ homes early in the morning with a quarrel. They wish their sister-in-laws dead and throw all sorts of invectives at their brothers’ wives. Often the seed of discord between the children of these women is sown. Any wonder we have broken children ready to visit anyone with pain. Pain begets pain.

I have two wonderful brothers and because I see how sister-in-laws have been meddlesome over the years, I promised myself never to cause pain to any of their wives. I have kept that promise and this does not mean that there are no things they do to upset me. We are human beings. But I tell myself if I am antagonistic and I make my brothers miserable; if I am angry and march over to their houses and yell at their wives, what have I gained? I can sort it out quietly. I have my own home. I am certain that my brothers being adults understood marriage. They chose their wives irrespective of what we said.

Sister-in-laws must learn to pull out of their brothers’ lives and let them be except, of course, it is life threatening. If your brother called you cutie, pumpkin before, you are now 30 years old, he has a new cutie in his life.Also big sister, listen up. Your brother has grown. He is no longer the little brother you walked to school, you washed his something, you pulled his cheeks. He is a grown man old enough to make his own decisions. Let go. You cannot run his life anymore. His wife does not have to worship you. She ought to respect you. It is time to respect yourself. When you enter a zone that is not your home, a wife can attack you with pepper spray if you chose to behave in a manner unbecoming.

Sister-in-laws, let us all pull back and allow wives live their lives. In some cultures sister-in-laws have such a big say in what happens to their late brothers’ wives. It is sad. A friend of mine wrote a book about the tragedy of widows. The first sentence goes something like this.

“A man dies but it is his wife who lies in state”.

Sister-in-laws back off.

Eugenia Abu