The Chibok girls and the rest of us

When they were abducted, I had sleepless nights. I thought of my own daughters, I cried with their parents, I abhorred the drama that surrounded their disappearance. I was more interested in where they were, who had them, what happened to them and how soon they could be found. As a parent, I could not even put myself in their parents’ shoes, the harrowing heart wrenching cries and cold sweat that visited the now distraught parents. I was devastated by news of sightings and just wondered how parents felt not knowing what had happened to their children. Tales of sexual abuse, starvation, radicalisation and emotional trauma followed the parents everywhere.

By last week when 21 of the girls were released to the Federal Government, relief could not even begin to describe the way that I felt. My emotions, my entire body mechanism went into overdrive and my joy could not be contained. I watched with the eyes of a mother the indescribable joy of the parents of the girls when they were reunited. I saw the joy of a father whose joy was written in his eyes. In an unspeakable moment I saw a mother carry her daughter who she had not seen for 2 years on her back and walk around the event venue like someone in a trance. Joy unparalleled! I may not know the feeling because no one can walk in the parents’ shoes but I understand it completely as a mother. It is difficult just looking at the parents and children to know what they might be talking about; two years is a long time to be without your children completely unplanned turn of events and to know they are not in the best of circumstances.

Let us return to the girls themselves. As someone who has some knowledge in psychology and in Guidance and Counselling, it is imperative to understand that the girls who were abducted two years ago are not the same persons that have returned to us. We are hearing stories of torture, anger, hunger and depravation and stories of abuse. This often leads to anger, depression, extreme sadness and high risk behaviour. While their outward appearances may suggest happiness and joy, which really is the case, their insides are still in turmoil, in shock, trying to understand their new reality.

Their return can be managed with care. I know that the federal government is doing its best to provide that. Psychotherapy, psychology, emotional management, social behavioural therapy of these must come together in helping them with the baby steps they need to be reintegrated into the larger society. Their parents on the other hand need new parenting skills to deal with their children. It’s about learning about their children all over again. Extra love and care is required at this time. Uncles, siblings, other relations must be allowed limited access because it is not everybody who knows how to manage this and they may speak out of turn or out of time. This is a fragile relationship and parents must walk around it with egg shells which am afraid cannot be made obvious. The girls must not get a feeling that they are been treated differently. This must be communicated to the parents as soon as possible in some sort of training that must be given as a matter of urgency. They must be told that there would be moments of rage from the girls, there would be moments of extreme quiet and there would be resistance to integration. These must all be managed by coping skills the parents would have learnt from certified government minders.

Media management is also key. What is said, how it is said, where it is said can affect their healing positively or otherwise. The media’s responsibility is to provide a wholesome discourse about them on their healing process and respect the privacy of the girls and their family. It is not everything that is news worthy. Restraint and discernment are the two watchwords for the media.

The President has done well to show his kinship with the girls as the number one citizen and father of all. The government’s effort at high wired diplomacy in getting them released is commendable. Again, information that is high security should be managed by all stakeholders so we do not jeopardise the release of the other girls.

I salute Mr. Vice President and his wife for their uncommon display of parenting when they received the girls. I salute the unnamed European country that assisted to make their release possible. I also salute the international organisation that played a key role in the release.

It’s time to stop playing politics with the girls as indeed we must remember that human lives are involved. Note must be made of other persons abducted or killed by the insurgents. One is not making light of the release of the girls but they were lucky to get international attention. There are many others who have no one to speak for them except God, the army and the government. We pray for respite. No one should make a meal of the girls or overexpose them or use them as sound bites for political expediency.

Congratulations Mr President, Congratulations Nigerians!

Eugenia Abu

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