The many broken girls of the world
I just finished a piece in an International lifestyle magazine about a 32 year old lady who had been sexually abused by a teacher for about a year when she was young. It took her two decades and a broken life to speak up. She had made bad choices as a result of this abuse and had become an alcoholic. The perpetrator moved on with his life and she could not move on with hers. She felt shame every time she was in a relationship that necessitated physical touch. Twenty years later she spoke up giving a radio interview after her biography was launched. This led to inquiries by her old school and the investigation showed that there was widespread sexual abuse in the school by the teacher and other teachers. Many broken girls now in their thirties and forties were ruined by these teachers.
In the case of the lead victim who spoke up to blow this sex racket, the teacher never really slept with her but took her for long walks and rubbed his body on her until he came. She was only 12 years old.
This is not new to me as I have been involved in inspirational talks in tertiary institutions across the country over the years. During these visits, I have spoken to university undergraduates, secondary school students who were vulnerable and frightened of speaking out following an abuse. The stories I have heard in secondary schools while carrying out my role as burden bearer, motivational speaker, surrogate mum and psychologist blew my socks off. Stories of teachers taking advantage of their students, of fathers surreptitiously gifting their daughters to their friends, brothers using their sisters for favours and mothers giving up their daughters to their new husbands. Sentences like, “You know he is the one paying the school fees and also paying our rent. Where will we be without him? Do this for me my dear, for us. God will bless you”. A frightened 18 year old is offered to her step father by her own mother.
Visiting a well known secondary school in one of Nigeria’s big cities, I missed my flight after giving an inspirational talk because students who wanted a private talk with me were up to 50. A space was created, curtains were drawn and I became an ombudsman and a shrink. The talks were mostly about sexual abuse, fear of male teachers, fear of going home and the attitude of some mothers. “No one would believe me”, one 15 year old said to me in tears, “my teacher is hitting at me and he said if I tell anyone he will kill me. All the other teachers are ganging up against me”.
In a recent movie I saw, “Black Silhouette” starring IK Osakiaduwa and Joke Silva, Joke’s character told the story of how she became a prostitute and one of the sentences that unhinged me and was incredibly profound came from an Aunty (a prostitute) who introduced her to prostitution, “They were taking it without my permission: I reckoned I might as well make some money from it”.
Women are used as cannon fodder all over the world. At war times, women are raped continuously by bandits, rebels, government soldiers and peace keepers. Their age is irrelevant; gang rapes are common. In the North East, women who have escaped insurgency have often described their horrific life. “It could be up to ten men a day. It had become my life. I simply lived by the day”. Women as old as 69, girls as young as 13 become sex slaves to many of the ISIS and Boko Haram members from Nigeria to Syria, from Iraq to Pakistan. Camps for refugees, displaced persons and immigrants are not excluded. Sex crimes are rife and women are unwillingly converted to prostitutes to survive. In many environments, women are told they caused it, too pretty, too sexy. Not true. Be who you are. It is not your fault. There are pigs among men.
The other day I read the incredible tale in a national newspaper of lecherous lectures in a polytechnic in one of the South-South states where marks are given only if you can sleep your way through school. The story of a young lad ran chills through my bone. This is the long and short of it. “We beg our girlfriends to give. We pay for hotels for the lectures, pay for lunch and send our girlfriends to them. I had to send mine. I pleaded with her. It was the only way not to fail”.
The rot is deeper than you think. Take a look at your daughter in boarding school. When they suddenly change, are withdrawn and seem frightened, ask questions, listen to them. A cousin recently withdrew her daughter from a boarding school. The stories of a male teacher picking on her were more than she could bear. Emotional abuse preparing for the next level. What happens to a child when they are 12 affects them for the rest of their lives. Love your daughter, look out for them. Don’t let them get damaged by someone else. A word is enough for the wise!
Eugunia Abu