Of whistles, trumpets & cemeteries
When, in 1979, the chairman of the Federal Electoral Commission, Justice Ovie Whiskey said if he saw a million naira he would pass out, he did not anticipate 2016/2017. Within the last two years Ovie Whiskey’s comment seems to have come out of a fairy tale book. One million naira? We are now totally aghast with heists of up to four hundred and fifty million naira. Do we all understand 13 million dollars? Can we wrap our heads around wads and wads and wads of notes in naira, in Euros and in dollars? It seems to mock us and unnerve us and this is not because I am not rich but seriously how much money can you really steal in a lifetime? What exactly were your plans? What are all these denials and counter denials? Fela famous for his quirky lyrics dealt with much less in his many anti-corruption songs. So, sorry, let’s take another look again.
I am an avid viewer of the Investigation Discovery Channel (IDX) and the crime and investigation channel that I can literally write a book and produce a film about how monies arrived by themselves at airports and how they are falling out of walls in abandoned homes and lately how they are replacing bodies at cemeteries in a bizarre twist to our corruption saga and how much we disrespect our dead. A new screenplay that would be a best seller should be “dead monies walking” named after the much celebrated film “dead men walking.” So the opening shot should be Mr. & Mrs. Dollar hand in hand walking out of coffins at cemeteries while their millions of children follow them gaily dressed in mint army green clothes. The American symbol of power, relation of the big boys, 13 million dollars and his entire family checking out of the grave. I am quite disturbed by the opening scene of this award winning movie and honestly so should you.
Scene two: a man is appointed into a position and there is a party in his home. There is much to celebrate. He is appointed into an executive position. What he does not tell everybody dancing with him is that he is going to be a thief of the worst kind.
Roll forward nine months. It is a clip of him bent over in a wardrobe too small for him organising bundles and bundles of dollar notes gleefully.
Roll forward another 6 months, this executive is living large; is buying planes and holidaying on yachts while his wife and children only wear Christian loubotons . He himself cannot wear ankara. It has to be a Gucci shirt “When I wear ankara, I come out with rashes you know “all this in a fake American accent. In clubs he is the man, buying crates and crates of champagne for everyone. He has an 18 room castle, 25 cars and mansions in every European city in the world, each one named after his children (some from his wife and others from his many concubines). He is burning money like it is going out of fashion. In the meantime, the rest of us think we are not hardworking enough and the movie shows us sweating, toiling and suffering to no avail.
Roll forward one year later. A savoire faire EFCC officer appears on the scene and arrests Mr. Gucci dragging him all the way into an EFCC van. He is sober and denies ownership of the money and this is where the whistle comes in. Personally I am looking for a really special whistle to buy. Surely this is a new money making venture. Clearly this cannot be a time for referees to be happy. We have all taken their jobs and it is not for football-it is for calling money.
Whistles have not been hit by recession. The prices have to be going up. We are now all whistle blowers. Interestingly, there are now selfie whistle blowers. These are persons who have 23 million dollars for instance and in a desperate move to keep some of the money, they keep some of the money in an uncompleted building; present themselves as whistleblowers for their own money so they can at least keep part of the money which is the reward for whistleblowers.
As for me, I am looking for a trumpet because all these whistle blowing buisness is too common. One has to elevate this to a high art. No matter how small the money I find is, a trumpet will do.
It is the best instrument for resurrecting the dollars from the cemetery.
I rest my case.
Eugenia Abu