Are you still staying together?

Families that seem close-knit are always the cynosure of all eyes, but how they are spawned is by no means a walk in the park, writes ANNE AGBAJE.

Research has revealed that there are at least four attachment categories that describe how children act with adults, and they are largely determined by the way a parent or provider responds to a child in any given situation.

Bola Adeoye, an expert on family issues, says an overly hard or soft relationship between a parent and child may not be the best approach when raising children. In her estimation, it is fairly easy to spot the out-of-control child-beaters, but just as harmful to the child is the domineering parent who cannot seems to stand it, even when the child is quietly enjoying himself.

“I remember my brother bullying and intimidating his 10-year-old son in our living room, even though the boy was quietly entertaining himself and had been very polite during their long visit,” she explains. “It does not matter whether it is violence, religion, or some other strict disciplinary tactic, if children are afraid to be children… afraid of a parent; it is a very unhealthy relationship. Once they figure out their parent cannot be pleased, it can only end in no relationship.”

Adeoye observes that many parents do not realise what the other side of the coin can throw up, since being too soft is just as unhealthy and damaging to the child. “If children always get their way, can always exhaust their parents into giving in and making exceptions, they have much more difficulty coping with the real world.

“Another brother of mine tried this approach… reasoning with his two-year-old why she should not scream in a restaurant. To be diplomatic, let me just say that her behaviour has not changed much; even though she is now 23. At age two, sometimes a little slap behind is all they need to understand and obey… they can learn why over time,” she adds.

According to John Ogunbiyi, a psychologist, a recent trend in parenting is the separate family, which he says, is not healthy for building a good parent/child relationship, noting that “children live in one part of the home and parents another; they do not even eat together. The only time the parents are seen is if it gets too loud or too quiet on the children’s side. I knew one selfish dad who even sent his children to the neighbour’s house at dinner time in hopes he would not have to cook for them.

“Younger children need to be cuddled and loved and played with, but sometimes, even affectionate parents shy away from their children when they start puberty. Children need reassurance and affirmation when they are going through the emotional pre-teen or early teen years. Boys need to know you see them as getting strong… girls, getting pretty.”

Ogunbiyi adds that touch, time and verbal affirmation all play a role in a healthy relationship, as “being distant, absent or unaffectionate will create unhealthy parent-child relationship and unstable children. Look, parents, no more full-body hugs or juicy kisses after they are 10 or so. Do not let them wrap their legs around you or contact you anywhere near sexual areas. If you let these things happen, it creates a very unhealthy relationship between you and your child.”

Adeola Ajakaiye, a parent, says there are ways to be too close that do not include sex. “Some parents feel they have to be ‘best friends’ with their children and this works well until about age seven. After that, hopefully even before, it’s good to help your child choose appropriate friends and back off a little bit on trying to be everything for them. Don’t protect them from everything. Children need to fail and be hurt to learn about life. Over protection creates stunted growth. Being too chummy as they enter puberty creates disrespect and resentment.”

Another research explains that what most parents find difficult to gauge is the fact that they are not raising perfect children. “Parents should know that their child is not perfect. Children lie, abuse each other, steal, and they also make mistakes. I know one family that was dominated by their 11-year-old son, who, according to his father, could do no wrong. He would even call his father at work to tattle on his stepmom, whenever she made a decision he did not like. The father sided with the son. This is an extreme example of a parent who is too biased.

“Of course, it is possible to be too biased against your child, too, with equally damaging results. Just because a child does some bad things does not make the child bad. Being too biased for or against your child can be a very unhealthy parent-child relationship,” he explains.

The other side, experts continue, is the parent who is so objective and interested in the interests of every party involved, hence afraid to come down on one side or the other such that nothing gets resolved.

“The children are left to grow up in a mushy world where nothing is absolute except the bully who is smart enough to see there is no punishment for bad behaviour. The children lose respect for their parents because they know their parents are afraid to offend anyone. They also lose respect for themselves because they never get a clear idea of decisiveness or a clear right and wrong… only a world full of grey areas,” explains Seun Adeosun, a clinical psychologist.

He also observes that unhealthy parent-child relationships can equally result from parents being too hard or too soft, too far or too close, too biased or too objective. “Just as with work, finances and diet, balance is the key to a healthy parent-child relationship. After all, if you don’t set the example of balance, where are your children going to learn it?” he adds.

Fatima Odunfa, a parent, says Islam recognises family as a basic social unit. “To maintain any social relationship, both parties must have some clear-cut rights as well as obligations. The relationships are reciprocal. Duties of one side are the rights of the other side. So, in a parent-child relationship, the rights of parents are the obligations of the children and vice versa,” she explains.

Looking back at the 70s, parents brought up their children in the fear of God and according to societal expectations. Similarly, schools gave good advice, which were useful in controlling their students. Teachers were able to maintain order and good discipline by asserting their authority. Students generally were reasonably well behaved and rarely required much disciplinary attention from their teachers.

However, things have changed negatively at home, in most schools and the society at large today.

Patricia Okorike is a mother of four and a school teacher. She says today, things are a bit different because some teachers have discipline problems, in the sense that, some are not efficient at using systematic instruction to develop a discipline plan for their students.

Therefore, teaching is ineffective in some schools because of classroom disruption, students’ inattentiveness, modern-day electronic distractions, students’ unrest and defiant behaviours, violence and vandalism, among others.

Beatrice Aluko, who is a senior teacher in a junior secondary school, says some parents do not even show good moral values and discipline, let alone inculcate positive values in their children. “Children nowadays go to school with all sorts of traits like truancy, violence, drugs, prostitution, etc, as part of their background experience. This is the sad setting in which teaching and learning are carried out in most schools today; and invariably, the setting in which we raise our leaders of tomorrow,” according to Aluko.