Between kids and parental brawls

A good number of today’s marriages are in danger of hitting the rocks – and quite a few already have – as a result of heated disagreements. Not many couples may realise this, but everyday elements such as financial and employment stress, sleep deprivation, mood swings, or lack of relaxation opportunities can all significantly contribute to rows in the home.

While parents may appreciate the fact that power struggle before their children is not advisable, the fact remains that it does happen. The result? Most children between the ages of six and above are aware of conflict and display emotional and physical signs of distress if they endure repeated exposure to parents fighting, even as toddlers are good observers. Perhaps more alarmingly, some research suggests that babies as young as six months old react to stress associated with raised voices and angry interchanges.

So if you happen to be married with children and find yourself fighting a lot, always remember that your attitude is having a negative impact on your kids. Why? Your children are completely dependent upon you, so when you fight, they get scared. After all, the two people they mostly depend upon are “going at it” so their world would be insecure. Moreover, while you are upset, you are not available to give them all the attention they so much crave.

Chimere Obi, a mother of three and a counsellor, observes that the effect of parental aggression on children is very traumatic and cannot be overemphasised. “They lose their self-confidence and accept any blames heaped on them without a second thought. They are the ones with the highest degree of inferiority complex and suicide is sometimes contemplated,” she laments.

According to Carol Effah, a teacher and mother, “What is very destructive psychologically for children is for them to watch their parents fight regularly,” and research also indicates that children with parents who fight are more likely to have mental health problems later in life than those whose parents do not. This is because these children, even as they grow, find it difficult to imagine that their parents fight.                                                                                                                                           Carol notes that it is normal for partners in a relationship to have different ideas, opinions, values, and priorities because a successful partnership with another person means being able to use appropriate communication skills to express/receive ideas with respect.

“My husband and I are quick-tempered and our fights regularly escalate into full-fledged shouting matches. But somewhere at the back of our minds we know the drill, and soon after, the fight is resolved and our anger and other things will go on as before. I only realised recently how our constant arguing affects the children and also found my eight-year-old son Temi, huddled under the covers crying after one of our fights. He had overheard me telling my husband that I was fed up and wished I could get away for a while. I had a hard time explaining to him that when we are angry, we often say things we do not really mean.”

All told, children’s world revolves around their parents, who are their security blankets and safety nets. For this reason, they are supposed to provide their children a constant sense of security and confidence that their love and marriage are unshakeable. The reason is simple: Rumbles of discontent between parents leave children feeling insecure whether or not it has something to do with them. 

ANNE AGBAJE