Children potential: No basis for comparison

Every child is endowed with different gifts and abilities. Hence, parents have the duty to discover these potentials in their children.

Psychologists have observed that parents could be a catalyst for the discovery of the special talents their children possess. According to their findings, each child has his own uniqueness hence there is no basis to compare him with his peers.

Studies have also shown that even identical twins born and bred in the same environment do not learn at the same pace. So, with this in mind, care must be taken not to endanger their self-esteem. Even when one show a slower rate of assimilation of academic work, you must guide him/her through encouragement rather than being abusive to avoid jealousy or enmity between the children.

Nyengiwari Johnson, a mother of three chidren and a kindergarten teacher, says she had an experience with her third child who started school wearing diapers to the class but when they had their holidays, the child was trained to talk whenever he wants to pee or pooh and it really work. When they resumed for the next term, he did not wear diaper to school the first day till now and even at home, he makes sure he runs to the nearest person to say he wants to do this or that. What I am saying here is that “children are so sensitive, and they will pick up very quickly on arrogance or dissatisfaction,” she says.

She maintains that it is important to accept our children for who they are. “Their time will come when they are ready.” Very often, first-born children grow up at an amazing rate. Because there is no competition in the house, a first born is given all the attention while subsequent children may delay in speaking or otherwise.

However, as these children outgrow their desire to let big brother or sister do everything for them, their learning curve spikes. Most parents of multiple children will be quick to point out that the speed at acquiring skills has little to do with later success.

As a kindergarten teacher, Gladys Eneh says that since children develop at different rates, “we can put one child’s behaviour up as a positive example without comparing. For example, ‘I like the way Sade is sitting quietly,’ instead of, “Why can’t you sit quietly like Tony?'”

As for Ariike Adisa, an educationist and a mother with two, she says: “I never compare my children and won’t allow others to do so, either.” When people compare my children in my presence, I remind them that these are two different people. They share the same last name and live in the same house, but the ‘sameness’ ends there.”

Ariike says she and her husband always try to find a special quality in each of their children and try to build up their self-esteem through that special quality. And as they grow, choose your words carefully. By comparing our children, we may push them into being bad just so they can be good at something. If a child only hears that his older sibling is wonderful and never hears anything positive about himself, he may look for attention and even negative attention will be enough.

Children learn by mimicking and if they are not pressured, they will try to imitate you. If it becomes a power struggle between you and the child, the lesson becomes less about learning to speak and more about who has more control.

ANNE AGBAJE