Far removed from reality?

Two years on and the lessons gained from listening to the self-made millionaire Dr. Farrah Gray are still as fresh in my mind. Farray Gray is one of America’s most influential black persons – the one who started business at age six, became a millionaire at 14, today he’s a chief executive of a group of companies, an author, and motivational speaker.

Gray had been invited to speak at a leadership/entrepreneurial seminar organised by a telco here in Nigeria – my friend who worked there had invited me. As I sat listening to him, I kept exchanging text messages with my friend the invitee. The subject of our exchanges was our children. We were both wondering if all our children aren’t overprotected? If they haven’t become far removed from our realities and if they are – what could we do to ‘bring them home quickly.’

Gray had told us how he was driven to entrepreneurship by a desperate need to save his mum. His mum was seriously ill, he narrated, and they needed funds immediately for her hospital bills. He told us how he went from door to door selling painted stones as door holders and later on home mixed lotions in his neighbourhood. His ingenuity and boldness stood out for me and I quickly drew a comparison – with all the children around me – mine, nephews, friends’ children, etc, … if this happened, would they think this way? Would they look inward or outward?

Children these days seem so well protected from reality one wonders if the littlest things won’t throw them off balance? Parents of course are fully responsible for this. It’s the sense of entitlement we fan, it’s the unopened expectations from them we feed, it’s that attitude of over compensation that has left us where we are today.

I was chatting with one of my big brothers. I was enquiring how the children were spending their holiday. He said to me he hadn’t made sufficient plans for his teenage son to do some vacation jobs but that he wouldn’t miss it next time. He then reported that while discussing this matter of working during the holiday to earn his holiday upkeep, his son was alarmed to hear he’d earn only N15,000 for a months job – I told him he’d be lucky if he earned that much.

I think reality for us was that these children had no idea of what went on in the real world. When I broached this same topic with an old colleague he asked me if it ever occurred to me that not every child required that lesson? In his words, they may never really have the need to ‘understand the other side of life.’ I heard him well and yes some may have made provisions for their children way into adult life – however, even getting NO as an answer occasionally helps them understand that life isn’t full of yes(es). My husband says no to the children quite often – for in his words ‘it’s important that they realise that NO is also an answer’… couldn’t be more true.

Recently, I was told that a few teenagers holidaying here in Lagos spent N1.5 million on champagne at a recent outing. I don’t think the champagne is more my problem than the wonder at who put that amount of money in teenagers hands. Can one really complain if he picks up a cocaine habit? Would these children ever understand the value of money, one wonders. Every financial expert I read says getting children to understand the value of money is a major job done. Helping them understand that money just doesn’t come out from the ATMs (one of my young ones says anyone who doesn’t have should just go to the ATMs) getting them to understand that it comes out because you worked hard to put it there.

I’d never forget an eight-year old I met at my son’s soccer club – his vocabulary was full of mys – ‘ my drivers,’ ‘my house help’ (I felt blessed he didn’t use the word my servant). I took him aside to ask him if he paid the wages of these people, given he answered, no – I explained to him that they – driver and nanny (not house-help were his dad and mum’s not his). My friend whom I narrated the story to tells me I’m lucky his parents didn’t meet me giving him a lecture, that I could have received one of my own from them – these days one mustn’t be caught chiding anyone.

When we moved to another branch of my son’s school, I used to wonder why the school head addressed us as though we were her children. She’d scold us about how we brought up our children. She,d often lecture about how parents almost appeared afraid of scolding their children. She was particularly unhappy about the smart-phones children brought to school. Not being used to these types of sessions (where we came from we talked back) I had come prepared with some feedback for her on addressing us properly until I heard how some eight-year olds had accessed pornography through their handhelds, how some boys had come with N20,000 to purchase things from the tuck shop (please, note we’re only a primary school). It was a sober me that sat through the lectures like one of her children. Clearly, the poor woman was seeing and hearing an ear and eyeful.

What really irks me the most is how we all regale ourselves with stories of how we were brought up – the strict no nonsense ways our parents dealt with us and yet there’ a silent seemingly unanimous agreement to bring up our children in the opposite way. True that not everyone will be a Farrah Gray, but we can at least keep the basic value system going. God help us all.

By: Nkiru Olumide-Ojo