… Of adoptees and lifelong scars

Funlola grew up in an environment strange from the one in which she was born. Her parents lived in Ghana before they finally returned to Nigeria about 30 years ago. In 1981, when her parents first visited Nigeria from Ghana, they agreed to leave Funlola in the care of a foster parents who where more than happy to have a new addition to their home.

At a point, the perfect child Mr. and Mrs. Adeboye adopted was now skipping school, talking back. Until a year ago, she always had good grades and enjoyed spending time with her parents; she was the ideal child. Then, they sought treatment from a family therapist. Nevertheless, they just cannot seem to get through to her. There have been no new stressors in the household. What could be the problem? They just cannot understand.

For many years, adoption has been viewed as a perfect arrangement for all involved. However, what has not been taken into account is the emotional effects adoption has on all members involved, most specifically, the adoptee.

These effects, or issues, can be managed as long as they are recognised and acknowledged, observes Toun Oni, a clinical psychologist, who says “adoptees’ psychological issues need to be addressed by mental health professionals in order to recognise and effectively treat symptoms of low self-esteem, lack of trust, and dissociation.”

According to Oni, the adoptees’ trauma begins the moment she is separated from her birth mother. Some psychologists believe that an infant is not able to differentiate her mother until at least two months of age. At the same time, they believe that the infant does not know she is her own entity.

“Why do mental health professionals believe the infant thinks for these first two months? Psychologists will suggest that she is in some type of limbo, that she does not have the capacity to think or know until two months of age. Yet, she somehow knows to cry when she is uncomfortable and how to ingest her food. Psychologists will call this instinct, but we should also look at the possibility of the new-born instinctively knowing who her mother is. After all, they were connected for 40 weeks,” she explains. When separated from the one thing to which she has connected, the infant will feel she has lost part of herself.

Hence, many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding does not begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events, which begin in utero and continues throughout the postnatal bonding period. “When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the “primal wound,” adds Oni.

According to her, when the adoptee is separated from her birth mother, she undergoes extensive trauma. “She will not remember this trauma, but it will stay in her subconscious as she lived it. An event from a person’s infancy can and will stay with them through life.”

“All children who are looked after, whether they are being placed with a permanent foster or adoptive family, will experience some difficulties around attachment,” observes Teni Aluko, a psychologist, saying, “All of them will have suffered the loss and trauma of separation from their birth mother.”

To her, the degree to which they will be affected by attachment issues will vary widely. Some children will have a greater degree of resilience, while some may have had some positive parenting experience in the past. The relationship between the extent of early trauma experienced by the child and the degree of attachment issues is therefore not a simple one, as there can be many influential factors, but it is fair to say the older child with a chaotic early life and multiple placements is very likely to show a greater level of attachment difficulties.

However, it is important to remember that even a child relinquished as a baby can display attachment issues, while an older child may not.

Nevertheless, Bayo Oyeniyi, a counsellor, argues that it is not unusual for foster parents to become interested in adopting a child who has been placed with them after they have come to know and bond with the child, this is different from foster or adopt programmes. “Many families become foster parents with the sole intent of providing a safe and loving interim environment for one or more children who will either return to their biological families or be placed elsewhere for adoption. But no one can predict how the heart will react, and the foster family may, indeed, choose to pursue adoption if that is possible legally,” he explains.

While it’s impossible to gauge with any certainty how children will react to the news of their adoption, their understanding of the subject will evolve as they grow and mature. “Here is an age-by-age breakdown of how children process adoption and what parents can do to ease the transition. Adopted children ages three to six: It’s best to start talking about adoption with your child at around age three. Though young children will not fully understand the concept of adoption, these early conversation will make you more comfortable discussing this issue with your child in the future. Also, these conversations have proven a liberating experience for adoptive parents, who often feel guilty withholding such personal information,” adds Oyeniyi.

In addition, he says parents should be prepared to answer some tough questions, such as “Why did I grow in another family?” and “How come I don’t look like you or daddy?” “It is advisable that parents answer these questions with sensitivity, constantly reiterating to their child that they love her very much and will be forever her parents.

“Oftentimes, children between six and eight become angry and self-conscious because, as they view it, someone decided not to keep them. Most likely, they’ll go through many emotional stages – including internalising their fears and becoming more reclusive; expressing their anger physically by slamming doors.

“Children, especially at this age, are anxious to belong. Hugs and kind words are the best medicine for a child experiencing feelings of self-doubt. Creating special activities for the child, perhaps he can choose what the family has for dinner on a given night, will help him feel loved and important,” he says.

By: ANNE AGBAJE