When cash handouts from mum and dad get you fuming

If parents favour one of their adult children by giving them more money than the others, it can create emotional havoc in the whole family

Jealous doesn’t even begin to describe how Rachel Hill felt when her mum gave her younger brother Matthew the deposit for his first house. “When I asked for similar financial help, I was told I should support myself,” says the 35-year-old. “It wasn’t the money that bothered me as much as the unfairness and, 12 years on, it still irks me. Our family dynamics, as you might imagine, are not in great shape as a result.”

Resentment is simmering in families across Britain as parents give handouts to one child, but not the others. While this is not a new phenomenon, recent research shows that it is a growing one, with increasing numbers of people saying they feel frustrated and annoyed when they see their parents give large sums to a brother or sister who has got into debt, doesn’t have a well-paid job or can’t afford an unexpected bill or new car, without giving anything to them.

The ripples don’t stop there. Like Rachel, more than two-thirds of the 1,700 people surveyed by the Equity Release Council say that parents’ decision to financially support their grown-up children has an emotional impact on the whole family.

One in 10 families in the survey add that they “keep secrets from each other” in order to conceal the amount of help that has been given.

“Any openness that existed in our family died a death after Matthew got his handout of forty or fifty grand,” says Rachel. “It was made very clear that it was none of my business and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she made other large payments to him. How can that kind of ‘hush hush’ attitude not affect how a family interacts and feels about each other? Add to that the maddening sense of injustice and perhaps you can understand why I have very little to do with them beyond sending birthday and Christmas cards, and making the very occasional visit. To this day, Matthew has never had to rent and now owns four properties totalling around £4 million, while I never managed to get on the property ladder and still struggle financially.”

Rachel believes the reason for the inequality is, quite simply, favouritism. “He’s always been the golden boy while I, on the other hand, seemed to be a disappointment. This only escalated in adulthood when I failed to marry and have kids and live in the country as she’d hoped, while Matthew became a city banker, where he made his millions. I once heard him tell her, ‘Mum, you’re right not to give Rachel a deposit – she’s a bad investment.’ It seems to me that sums up their feelings on more level than one and the reason the handout was so hard to stomach is that it simply reflected that.”

Although Charlotte Douglas, 25, had a far happier childhood, she felt no less bitter when her sibling received a payout. “My sister, who is three years younger than me, and I were very close as children and, ironically, I think that was largely helped by the fact that our parents treated us so fairly. We were never encouraged to compete for their attention and if one of us got something, so did the other. But I think that’s why it hurt all the more when she was given this large sum of money last year.”

Charlotte has no idea how much it was. “I suspect it was a few thousand pounds – which is a huge amount in our family; my mum and dad have always been low earners – because Emma managed to pay off all her debts and I have some idea of how much those debts were. But the actual amount is a closely guarded family secret, and that’s what is most upsetting for me because it so obviously pushes me out and that’s a new feeling in our family. The few times I’ve asked about it, I’ve been told firmly that it’s between my parents and her and that my ‘sour grapes attitude is not endearing’. To be fair, I’ve been told that they’d help me out if I needed it too, but I’m not sure this is true and that’s hurtful too. After all, I could really do with some help with a deposit for a house so that I could have a bit of a life instead of saving every penny I work all hours to earn. But because I have a partner and my parents know I’m naturally more responsible with money than Emma, I expect they’d always put her first.”

In fact, her sister has already built up new debts, according to Charlotte, which prompts the question of whether bailing out your adult children – particularly young adults – really does them any favours anyway. “She’s not good with money – she never has been – and now she knows there’s an easy way out, I wonder if she’s ever likely to be. That affects how I feel about her because I feel she takes advantage of Mum and Dad. The result of all this is a mess of emotions in my head around my family that are, at the moment, largely negative. And this is from a family that’s always been close and loving. It’s horrible.”

Charlotte and Emma’s situation is far from unique, according to Equity Release Council’s survey, with 51% of 18 to 24-year-olds turning to their parents for help when they need extra cash. Although it drops for older groups – to 34% of 24 to 34-year-olds and 29% of 35 to 44-year-olds – these are still significant numbers. Some 30% of 18 to 54-year-olds ask their parents when they need cash and as for humiliation behind such requests, there seems to be very little. Just 9% of grown-up children said they felt embarrassed to ask.

“My brother has been bankrolled pretty much all his adult life by my parents, and has no shame at all,” says Jill Meads. “For years, I’ve hoped that he might visit them just once without asking for money, but he seems incapable. It never ceases to amaze me.”

Jill, who is 50, claims she feels no jealousy. “I strived for independence from a young age. It’s my nature. I loathe the idea of being financially dependent on anyone, least of all my parents, as I approach middle age. So he’s welcome to their cash and it is their cash to give him after all. But it’s made me lose respect for him as a person, and that’s had an impact on how much time I want to spend with him. I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but I’m not sure I actually like him very much as a result.”

It all started, she says, when he became a father at the age of 19. “My parents wanted him and his now ex to have a good start in life, so they helped with a deposit on a small house. But he didn’t pay the mortgage or the council tax, even when they started paying the money directly into his account for him. Eventually, the house was nearly repossessed and he was taken to court over the council tax. So they paid the legal fees and then the council tax themselves and then they bought his house. Since then, they’ve paid for every holiday and car he’s ever had and much more besides. They are well-off, but I know that they have recently had to start going without to support him and I know they are concerned about him using up their inheritance in no time at all when they’re gone. I resent him for the stress this causes them.”

Another outcome for Jill, which she says was unconscious at first, has been the way she treats her own children. “I’m so fair with my own kids that my friends laugh at me. If it’s one’s birthday, I give the other a present, albeit a small one, too. If I take one out for a treat, I’ll make sure I do the same for the other that same week. I am determined that they’ll grow up treated equally, including in adulthood.”

She’s fighting a losing battle, claims consultant clinical psychologist Janice Hiller. “Life isn’t fair and it’s unhelpful to teach children that it is. Yes, complete equality is an ideal, but within families – which are messy and full of different personalities, dynamics and needs – it isn’t always possible and some adult children just will wind up getting more time, money or even love from their parents than their siblings.”

But even she admits siblings are unlikely to accept this. “The problem is that we have evolved to expect equality within the family, despite the unfeasibility. Research has shown that this search for fairness in the family is inherent within human beings, even as we grow older. So you’ve got this constant battle between what we’re programmed to expect and what is reasonable to expect, although the balance between the two will differ in different personality types and families.”

Christopher Morris, 43, says he was delighted when his parents bought a £180,000 house outright for his older brother, Adam, even though he has a hefty mortgage. “Adam has some mental-health issues, the consequence of which is that my parents seem to want to keep him within their reach at all times. For many years, my sister and I have felt frustrated by this, feeling that it is holding him back, and there were times we wondered if he would ever have any independence. So when they said they were buying him a house, my sister and I were elated, seeing it as a first step to him having a life of his own. We cracked open the champagne and felt it was money well spent.”

Neither Christopher nor his sister perceived the situation as unjust, although they’d never had a penny from their parents since they left home in their teens. “We didn’t need help. Adam did,” says Christopher.

Unfortunately, however, Adam does not use his new home. “He’s become too used to my mum cooking and washing for him, as well as ferrying him around in her car. Despite all our best efforts, the new home just sits there collecting dust and my parents, now in their 80s and increasingly concerned about his future, have changed their will to leave him all their money.

“This is futile because Adam cannot manage money and is likely to lose it all within the first year, so it’s utterly frustrating. But there is a second and perhaps more interesting reason for my resentment too, although I’m not proud of it. And that is, it just feels one step too far. My sister agrees. I suppose the unpleasant truth is that most of us, like it or not, do have limits about just how much we want one sibling to be favoured financially. Much as it pains me to admit it, we do see each other less as a whole family now.”

Clinical psychologist Linda Blair isn’t surprised. “Brothers and sisters, even when they’re middle aged and older, can find themselves – often subconsciously – competing for their parents’ attention and preference. In fact, it can be brought to the fore when the parent is elderly. It’s like it’s their last chance,” she says.

Contrary to what we might think, emotions don’t know time, she says. “You might become more complex in the way you deal with emotions over the years, but your core feelings tend to stay the same.”

David Spellman, also a clinical psychologist, agrees. “Rivalry between siblings is normal, even in adulthood, and that’s why Christmas, weddings and funerals can stir up such strong emotions. Add to this the fact that parents don’t always have the same feelings for each child, particularly in adulthood when personalities are formed and when people often have different needs, and you can see where the difficulties lie.”

Although it’s perfectly rational to help one child out in their time of need, the harsh truth is that many families will endure negative repercussions as a result. In other words, the bank of mum and dad can have an emotional cost, and it’s often high.”