The crave of death 3

Hi readers, this is the third and final part of my mini-series. Visit the concretecarpet.wordpress.com to find the previous parts…

I had been drifting for awhile now. Being nowhere and going nowhere, alone with my thoughts and thereby punishing myself. I hated the fact that I had given in. I hated myself for allowing that poisonous feeling get the better of me. We could have worked it out.  I could have pleaded with her or even promised to give her all that I had with no hard feelings knowing the belongings I left behind could not profit me in my limbo state. This was my punishment.

Then I saw a light. This tiny glimmer light gave me hope and as my hope and grew so did the light. It came closer and closer until it was almost blinding. I had to shut my eyes. As soon as it felt alright to open them again I did but this time my eyes refused to behold what was in front of me and automatically bent in submission. Then I heard a voice. The voice was quite and loud at the same time. The voice was speaking to me but I could not make out the words. Then I started to see rather than hear what the voice was saying.

I saw myself in what seemed like another life, one that was unknown to me and yet I had already experienced. That’s when it all started to come back. It was like the memories were being placed in my mind deliberately. I saw myself watching others, comforting them in their sadness, giving them when they asked and staying with them at times when they were all alone. As I saw, all I could think was that my life had been filled with so much purpose. I was put in charge of other people. The onus was once on me to fill their hearts with happiness. I was a care giver. Then I saw the sad look in my eyes, a look of jealousy and envy. I wanted to be on the receiving end rather than be a giver. I had taken for granted the privilege of being a giver and asked for less. I was given what I asked for on the condition that I do no wrong. Full of myself I believed myself to have a more superior mind and therefore didn’t believe I would fall short of what was expected of me even after my mind was wiped as clean as a slate. I believed that the beloved had it easy but what I did not know was that they were at a disadvantage right from the start. Instead, he had put us, the watchers on a vantage point but I did not see that. I begged to become helpless. 

I then lost myself once again in the punishment of my thoughts. I had done something bad, something terrible and that is why I was here but I did not know which counted. Maybe I was in this limbo because I had shot her and her partner after all I was protecting myself and my property. At that instant, that tiny but loud voice came again. This time it sent chills though me. It chastised me, telling me that my conclusion was wrong. For as I had assumed the position of a beloved, I was to call for help at the point where it was needed and my watcher would’ve have come to control the situation but I didn’t. I believed I could do it all myself and in the process I did myself in. The voice kept going. It said that an old trumpet had been put in place to remind me. The sound had gone off as a warning yet I paid no heed therefore I would reap the consequences.

I began to fall. I tried to scream but no sound came out. I tried to beg but I was unable to. Then there was nothing until the soft landing.  There were people walking. Walking and once they got to a point they disappeared. The environment looked familiar then I saw it. The termite infested cabin and the rusty old trumpet both glistened and shone. It was at that point I noticed that some entered while others could not. I got up myself hoping I could enter but I couldn’t. Then I remembered, I had done wrong and I was stuck. I wasn’t going anywhere, I was never going anywhere.

Oluwaseyi Lawal