What manner of religion
Indeed in these last days many things are happening such that some 20 years ago I would have thought they would never happen.
The advent of GSM phone is one. Some fifteen years ago, nobody thought it would be possible to browse the internet, take pictures and send instant messages via a handheld telephone. I could remember that NITEL was in vogue at the time and only few families had landphones. And if you had to use the telephone booths, you had to queue up for hours.
The number of TV and radio station that we have in Nigeria today is another. There was a time that NTA was the major station. Only a few priviledged people had access to PayTV. Today, there are tens of news, movie, music, food, and style channels. Viewers are now left with many choices of what to see on TV or listen to on radio.
It is not a surprise when I saw a post on a friend’s page on Facebook on a Thursday . Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link. Lo and behold, I was on the famous Oprah Winfrey’s website. Guess what I found on the web page?
Oprah now has a church, she has found a religion!
On that Thursday, she celebrated the opening of her first church and the founding of her new religion, titled O, The Oprah Religion. She will serve as pontiff and deity for both.
Will you agree with me if I say with this step, Oprah has expanded her successful enterprise in television, film, the web, and her magazine into religion? I have known her to be very positive and very motivational having listend to her severally.
Perhaps founding a religion will mean Oprah is bringing a new dimension and enterpreneurial spirit into the business of religion for someone who once told Piers Morgan on CNN she has no religion.
The Archbishop for the church, Gayle King, sad O religion is one of the most highly anticipated new religions since Scientology.
Hear him: “O, The Oprah Religion gives confident, smart women the tools they need to explore and reach for their dreams, to express their individual style, and to make choices that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling afterlife.”
“In addition, we’ve eliminated the regressive prohibitions – such as those against shrimp, clothing made of mixed fibers, and premarital sex – that older, outmoded religions still cling to, but which no longer fit in with the lifestyles of their congregations. In fact, Oprah loves to share a shrimp cocktail with her live-in life partner while wearing stretch-wool slacks! Now, with O, The Oprah Religion, you can do the same, and without the threat of everlasting damnation!”
That means O, The Oprah Religion still has all the comforts of a traditional belief system. Yet King claims that that is combined with the uplifting spirit of Oprah, “so that anyone from a religious background will still feel at home when they convert the new traditions of O, The Oprah Religion.”
With the O, The Oprah Religion, instead of Easter or Passover, members will celebrate the abundance of Oprah with Her spring holiday Oprah’s Favourite Things, which is observed during the second week of spring sweeps. During this holiday, believers smear the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb on their television, and in the middle of the day the Holy Spirit of Oprah visits all supplicants and showers them with cashmere pajamas, gourmet chocolates, and Gladware. What kind of religion is this, you’d ask? Well, it may interest you to know that the Catholic confession has been incorporated into O, The Oprah Religion as well. However it comes with a twist. For O Religion, confession occurs just once per lifetime, is syndicated nationally, and is officiated over by Oprah herself. In King’s words: “Since Oprah serves as both pontiff and God in human form, penance is unnecessary, forgiveness is guaranteed, and it’s all done without the use of an intercessor! Verily I say unto thee: O, The Oprah Religion empowers all women with the tools for their own salvation!”
Praise be to whom? Wonders will never end!
FUNKE OSAE-BROWN