Basket of problems

Clearly, President Goodluck Jonathan’s visit to Magdalene College, Cambridge University, has been a great success – absolutely first class. British Prime Minister David Cameron obviously has a warm relationship with our president as he has made a quick dash from Chequers which is the country home of the prime minister of the United Kingdom. It is an Elizabethan mansion in the Chiltern Hills near Princess Risborough, Buckinghamshire, where he was in the midst of a high-level retreat with his key ministers and top advisers.

Straightaway, he delivers his welcome: “Mr. President, I would have preferred to host you at my own college (Brasenose), Oxford University. All the same I am sure you are in the good hands of Rowan Williams, the master of Magdalene College.” He then digressed and proceeded to lament how stressful his job as the prime minister of Britain is.

For his candour and frankness, Cameron was rewarded with a standing ovation. President Jonathan gave him a warm embrace.

However, it was left to our host Rowan Williams who recently retired as the Archbishop of Canterbury to declare that he had been following events in Africa (especially Egypt and Nigeria keenly). He then interjected a touch of good humour. It was an adaptation of a story which was first told by Edward De Bono, the Cambridge University philosopher who conceived the idea of ‘lateral thinking’.

“During a robbery in Lagos, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: ‘Don’t move. The money belongs to the state. Your life belongs to you.’ Everyone in the bank lay down quietly. This is called MIND CHANGING CONCEPT – changing the conventional way of thinking.

“Then a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: ‘Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!’ This is called BEING PROFESSIONAL – focus only on what you are trained to do!

“When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): ‘Big brother, let’s count how much we got.’ The older robber rebutted and said: ‘You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!’ This is called EXPERIENCE – nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!

“After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: ‘Wait! Let us take out N10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the N70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank.’ This is called SWIMMING WITH THE TIDE – converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!

“The supervisor says: ‘It will be good if there is a robbery every month.’ This is called KILLING BOREDOM – personal happiness is more important than your job.

“The next day the TV news reported that N100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count N20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: ‘We risked our lives and only took N20 million. The bank manager took N80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!’ This is called KNOWLEDGE – it’s worth much more than gold!”

At this juncture, Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, arrived with a special gift for Mr. President. It was an exquisitely framed copy of the address delivered by his great uncle Prince Edward when he visited Lagos on April 22, 1925.

Before he left, Prince Charles reminded us that he had studied at Trinity College, Cambridge, and his mother, the Queen, had requested him to convey her sincere and warmest congratulations to Omo No Oba nedo Uku, Akpolokpolo Erediauwa, the Oba of Benin, who had like him studied at Cambridge University and was celebrating his 90th birthday on that day. The audience went wild with joy. It was “Oba ghato kpere … Ise!”

All was going swimmingly until an expert in environment and flood modelling, Dupe Olayinka, declared a storm warning. Her presentation was titled “Eko Atlantic City Can’t Withstand Storm Surge”. According to her, Eko Atlantic City, the huge project in Lagos, may not be able to withstand storm surge. She raised an alarm which made us all sit up. She was adamant that unless proper monitoring was put in place, both Atlantic City and Lagos would not be safe for habitation.

Her fellow surveyors and hydrographers were nodding vigorously in assent to her warning that huge trouble looms in the event of a surge within the Atlantic Ocean. She appeared supremely confident when she reminded us that her credentials were quite formidable – being a surveyor from the Department of Geoinformatics, University of Lagos.

“The reclaiming of land from the sea without proper consultation with hydrographers is dangerous and could lead to a colossal disaster. Sand-filling part of the Atlantic Ocean to create Eko Atlantic City may impact parts of the Gulf of Guinea and coastal countries within the area. I have nothing against Eko Atlantic City project. It is a laudable one that will provide accommodation for the residents of the state, but the fact remains that the hydro-dynamic process which is a natural process should be monitored around the whole area because whenever you have activity going on, there is going to be impact on other areas around the Gulf of Guinea. Eko Atlantic City is within the Gulf of Guinea and we should not be surprised that the impact would be felt as far away as Senegal (to the West) and Cameroon (to the East). Therefore, there should be a holistic approach to monitor whatever projects are going on in that area.”

Randle is a former president of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) and former chairman of KPMG Nigeria and Africa Region. He is currently the chairman, JK Randle Professional Services.

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