My oga at the top at the Vatican
When Pope Francis I appeared on the balcony of the Vatican, exactly 45 minutes after the bells tolled while smoke bellowed from the chimney, his first words were as follows: “Pray for me.” It was an amazing display of humility which caught the huge crowd totally unprepared. Then the former Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina delivered the memorable homily: “You should pray for me first. Afterwards, I shall pray for you.”
It was a stunning performance. For a full minute we were too dazed to respond. Then the applause broke out. We were witnessing history in the making. The Italian (second generation) from Argentina was on centre stage but all the same he took the world by surprise with a simple and direct message: “God Almighty is the only “oga” (big boss) on top.”
Among the “seventy senior citizens”, it was with considerable relish that we watched the “BREAKING NEWS” which interrupted coverage of the proceedings in St. Peter’s Square. It was a clip from the Channels TV programme which featured Shem Obafaiye, Lagos commandant of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps (NSCDC), and his monumental goof about “my oga at the top” who apparently was the only one who would provide any meaningful answers to even the simplest questions.
Thankfully, we can draw some respite from our nation’s history. From the archives of the Vatican, we have the famous “Loyal Address” given by the representatives of the people of Lagos when His Royal Highness, Edward the Prince of Wales visited Lagos on April 20, 1925: “May it please Your Royal Highness (our oga at the top)!”
When those chartered accountants who have been protesting at St. Peter’s Square over the relentless determination of the four largest accountancy firms to be the only “oga at the top” to the exclusion of all others accosted Pope Benedict XVI that he needed to be technologically savvy – laptop; iPad; Notebook; Smartphone; Skype; Facebook; Google, etc – the Holy Father stood his ground. Coolly, he reminded them of the concern so elegantly expressed by Albert Einstein: “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots (all insisting they are the oga at the top).”
As for the “seventy senior elders” from Nigeria whose sole purpose for being in Rome is to celebrate their 70th birthday and pray fervently for peace in their country, next Sunday we shall cut the birthday cake for one of us – Most Reverend Adebayo Dada Akinde, retired don and the Archbishop, Ecclesiastical Province of Lagos. He said it all when he reminded us (and brought tears to our eyes): “As a little boy growing up in Kaduna, you had Yoruba to your left, Igbo in the middle and Hausa to your right. There were no fences. We ate tuwo with our Hausa neighbour; I can’t recollect how much my parents spent in buying rice. They came as gifts from his Hausa friend. My father was an Egba man and I claim my native city of Abeokuta, but I thought Kaduna was my home. I still hold fond memories of my childhood days in Kaduna. My prayer for Nigeria is that God will teach us to know the true meaning of brotherhood in the spirit of love, justice and equity.”
Further birthday celebrant who will be joining us is Bishop Mathew Hassan Kukah of the Catholic Diocese of Sokoto. The Vatican is somewhat jittery over the latest fusillade from the Bishop. After Sokoto, he is on his way to Argentina.
The “seventy senior elders” had no problem with Pope Benedict XVI. He took to us instantly and endeared himself by referring to us as “brothers and sisters”. The new pope was somewhat hesitant at first but he has since warmed up to us. The Holy Father was not entirely convinced that Nigeria requires special prayers, until we provided the following sworn affidavits: Headline: “We are all robbers, including journalists – Suspect” (Nigerian Tribune, March 19, 2013).
The clincher that finally convinced the pontiff that Nigeria really needs special prayers was provided by front page headline of Daily Independent (March 22, 2013): “Nigeria sitting on keg of gunpowder – Obasanjo *Says unemployment will lead to revolution”.
As for the London-based The Economist Magazine, it was a case of pull no punches in its special feature on Nigeria, “Nigeria: Tottering … Punch”, in which it stated: “Like a heavyweight boxer who has gone too many rounds, Nigeria sometimes seems punch-drunk. One minute it acts like a champion by virtue of the size of its girth and the smile on its face, the next it could be flat on its back, groaning in anguish. On the whole, the country is tottering along, acclaimed as much for its massive potential as for its actual achievements. It is still a sick man all the same.”
It seems our number is up. According to a report “BABY EXPLOSION: Nigeria’s population to hit 320 million in 2035 – Expert” (Daily Sun, April 15, 2013): “It is a frightening prediction, but the ‘seer’ insists it’s going to come to pass. By 2035, Nigeria’s population would have climbed to an all-time high, reaching an incredible 320 million! That means that many Nigerians may have to brace up for a life of pain and poverty should the country’s population double itself 22 years from now.”
While we wait for Festus Odimegwu, the oga at the top at the National Population Commission (NPC), to respond, Daily Sun devoted its entire front page on March 22, 2013 to the oldest identical twins in Africa – Emily Kehinde Ogunde and Esther Taiwo – who were celebrating their 100th birthday in the company of the Governor Ibikunle Amosun of Ogun State. The two gorgeous ladies were on Vatican TV and they merrily declared: “If you want to live a long and happy life, avoid careless sex. If you are a young lady, listen to us. You need to have God and shun fornication. By doing so, you can have access to enjoy the grace of long life from God. We did not involve ourselves in fornication when we got married, we did not cheat on our husbands.”
J.K RANDLE
Randle is a former president of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) and former chairman of KPMG Nigeria and Africa Region. He is currently the chairman, JK Randle Professional Services.