‘I was born before you’

As siblings, Tope and Tayo never see eye to eye and as toddlers they have had countless fight over who should do things first in the family. Tope usually claims he is the eldest hence he should have access to the best things in the house while Tayo believes as the youngest she should be pampered. Even as adults, they have had several fights over who will be her to their father’s business. Tope thinks he has the sole right to succeed his father as the chairman of the company while it is customary for him to pretend her younger sister does not have as much right has he does because she is female and the youngest.

While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it is common for brothers and sisters to fight. It is also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other.

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is born, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As kids reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

For many parents, it can be frustrating and upsetting to watch and hear their kids fight with one another. A household that’s full of conflict is stressful for everyone, yet often it is hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all.

Bose Olaogun, a psychologist says children fright for different reasons.

“Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting gets,” she explains.

Olaogun observes that evolving needs is a factor which could cause rivalry among children. “It is natural for kids’ changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they’ll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler’s toy, the older child may react aggressively.”

According to her, school-age childeren often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way kids fight with one another.

“Individual temperament is also a cause for sibling rivalry,” observes Nnnena Obiajulu, a counsellor. “Your kids’ individual temperaments including mood, disposition, and adaptability and their unique personalities play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.”
Family experts say the way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. Hence if parents work through conflicts in a way that’s respectful, productive, and not aggressive, they will increase the chances that of their children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. “If children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they’re likely to pick up those bad habits themselves,” adds Obiajulu.

While it may be commonfor brothers and sisters to fight, it is certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict.

“Whenever possible, parents should not get involved. Step in only if there is a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There is also the risk that you, inadvertently, make it appear to one child that another is always being “protected,” which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with more because they’re always being “saved” by a parent.

If you’re concerned by the language used or name-calling, it’s appropriate to “coach” kids through what they’re feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids. Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them,” she advises.