Know your worth

Recently, I ran into one of my lecturers back then when I was running my national diploma programme, in the polytechnic Ibadan. He was thrilled to see me, I didn’t know if I was too. He tried to know what I was up to by asking, “how are you? What do you do now? Did you go for an HND or a BSC? While he asked those questions my mind trailed off to some years ago, standing in his office he offered me a seat with the look of lust in his eyes. Yes I know that look of lust, I know it when I see it.

He weighed and sized me with his eyes from head to toe. I felt really uncomfortable. But I tried not to show it. He said, “I have seen your results so far, you are one of the department’s best. But then, you can do better. I can help you achieve even more. Let’s rub each other’s back.” I already knew where he was going. But I feigned ignorance. “Rub each other’s back? How?” I stuttered. “You know what I mean” he said, coming close. I could feel my heart beat race as he placed his hands on my shoulders. I stared at the hands with disgust. My belly churned at the sight of the wrinkled withering hands. This man was old enough to be my dad. “How dare him! How dare he touch me? The nerve he had to ask me to rub his back.” I thought silently. I was raging inside. I wanted to spank his hands off my shoulders.

I wanted to hurl insults at him. But then, I remembered that I had to graduate with my peers. I didn’t want any carry over or reruns, I didn’t want him to fail me. So instead, I said calmly, “I can’t sir. I’m born again. I can’t do such.” He laughed instead and said, “We hear that all the time. Even pastors do it. So who are you not to? Besides is it not better with me, than with those small boys who have nothing to offer you?” I was this close to hissing and walking out of his office. But instead I said, “I’m born again sir, I have no boyfriend.” His reply shocked me. He replied, “You can start with me.” “What?” I exclaimed. “I can be your first.” I was irritated to the depth of my stomach. If only it wasn’t a school setting, I would have insulted the hell out of him. But I couldn’t. I said instead, “give me some time.” I sought for counsels here and there. I prayed. I read harder than before. I avoided him and his office as best as I could. Anything at all, I did to prevent him from failing me. One thing was sure. I couldn’t rub his back. It was my final exams and I didn’t want to have any reason to carry any course over. The final exams were over, I checked the results, I didn’t fail, but he made sure I dropped from a distinction to a second class upper. I was pained, but then, there was little I could do about it. Many female students in universities and polytechnics still go through similar problems. I knew of some girls who asked some lecturers out and readily gave their bodies for marks and an upgrade in results. Some others gave their bodies and still ended up failing. Few others were cajoled like I was and out of fear gave in.

Most times, it all boils down to knowing who you are, knowing your worth and not swaying no matter what. I knew I couldn’t fail. I knew my worth and I knew I couldn’t settle for less. Most girls do not know their worth that is why they can fall for any threat by a lecturer. Most girls do not know their worth that is why they can sleep with guy with a promise of cash in return or an iphone? But the big question is, what is your worth? Is your worth #5,000. Is your worth an iphone? Is your worth Brazilian hair? How can you place your worth to material things? This question baffles me. My lecturer realized I wasn’t particularly excited at seeing him. So he said, “Hope you are still born again” that cracked me up, because I knew what he was talking about. He said, “most times, we realize only too late that we are worth more than we know.” He walked off leaving me staring at his back. Truly most times, we end up settling for glitters when we can actually have gold, because we do not know what we are worth.

Chinyere Okeke