Living with HIV/AIDS

My name is Benoite. In September 2008, my partner had a headache for three days. He’s never been to the doctor before – he was raised on an island and never had any type of health care. I knew it was serious when I offered to take him to the ER and he agreed. Three days later, he was diagnosed with AIDS and a raging case of cryptococcal meningitis. His CD4 count was just 3.

 I went for a rapid test in the clinic attached to the hospital and never expected the answer to be that I was positive. I fell to the floor, cried like I was in a soap opera, and asked: “who’s going to raise my children?” The tester was so amazing, so helpful in talking me down from this reaction, telling me he’d known people living with HIV for 25+ years. I latched on to those words like a life vest those first few months.

 I was paralysed with fear and couldn’t bring myself to test my little girls (they were 1 and 2 at the time). Someone at AIDS Action told me it would be ok to wait a bit, and it was like permission to get myself together first. I needed that and it made all the difference. My man was so sick, we had to change insurance companies, change paediatricians, and I was still at work full time. I just knew I’d be frozen if I found out bad news about my babies. I’d had a negative test during pregnancy number 1 and I think I must have told the midwife she didn’t need to test me for pregnancy number 2. I was in a monogamous relationship! I still think my man got it from his ex-wife years ago… hopefully that’s true. Anyway, when I was ready, I got the girls tested and they are both negative – Thank God!

 I immediately started seeing the docs, and since my CD4 was in the “grey area” they didn’t need to push me onto meds. But when I eventually started, in Nov 2009, my viral load dropped like a bad habit and my CD4 crept up to over 850!

 I used to feel like if I saw a drop of my blood that it was disgusting, dangerous to my kids and tainted. Since being on meds, I don’t feel that way anymore. I know I need to take precautions, but I don’t feel TAINTED, and that’s huge for me.

 I’ve disclosed to more people than I expected to at first. It’s getting easier as time passes, as I can explain that I’m okay and doing well on meds. My relationship with my partner is strong, my kids are healthy, and I have a supportive and loving group of family and friends. I’m blessed!