The List

Years ago, sunsets had always been the periods I did my home chores, and my preference for them couldn’t be explained. And I never tried.

It was during this time I walked in with a bucket of water balanced on my head and my hands firmly on it that I met him sitting and gisting with his kith and kin. “Why is he here?” I wondered.

Michael had always been a family friend, and as a church member, we liked him mainly because he tipped me and my sibs, and was jovial. But my cousin, Vera, was fonder of him, and closer to him. Until one day he disappeared for years, only to return on this fateful day.

His visits were usually to everyone and always met warm reception, but today, Michael had come to visit my father because of Vera, and his company confirms it. Soon, folks from my side gathered and talks started –I observed keenly as The Introduction, one of the phases to a proper marriage, took place.

All went smoothly. The date was fixed for the bride price and the fulfilment of other marital rites –The List!

Of course, the joy that precedes a wedding was heavy; percolating through everyone in the house…and the Asoebi was soon distributed. We were happy, until the day for the fulfilment of The List!

Now, that day came in the cool of the evening, everyone concerned from both families had assembled under a canopy neatly mounted in front of block 12, Queens Barracks, Nigeria. Soon, talks began amid the aroma of rice wafting through the coolers. Laughter echoed once in a while –things seemed to be well.

Until The List was brought out, placed on the table…that’s when we knew Michael wasn’t gentle at all.

He and his company argued that the list was ridiculous and that there was no way he would afford paying for almost half of the things written therein, and demanded that the original copy be produced from the village, since it was in Lagos they showed him the sample, an attempt to make things easy.

When told to pay a sum of ten thousand Naira (N10, 000) to enable them make arrangements for the list to be brought as he requested, Michael went vitriolic. Unconcerned about tradition, he argued louder.

I could remember him being sarcastic seeing ‘umbrella’ as one of the items to be provided. “Umbrella?! Rain dey fall?” he asked in Pidgin English.

In the end, Michael got angry, refused to pay the money, walked out on the elders, Vera, and everyone else, with his entourage trailing behind. Till date, the marriage never took place. That was many years ago.

There is also a story of someone who flagrantly refused to buy the parents’ clothes –a requirement that is traditionally correct and fundamental. There are more of these stories, the ones I don’t know of. But you do.

In the build of any marriage, tradition and culture must be followed and in the process, things can get out of hand. But should that be a premise to call it off?

I understand most of these kinsmen can be very mean (and many of them are). They latch on moments like that to eat everything they’ve not got from the girl; even those not directly connected to the family –the village youths, women, will all gather, craving eagerly for their share. By this time, things can easily go south; therefore, all you need to do is plead with them.

Yes, BEG them! That’s not the time to show intelligence, or how smart you are. It’s not the time to reel out all your Ph.ds and slam it in their faces. If sincerely you don’t have enough financial resources to expend, be humble and beg.

Being logical, boisterous, and trying to prove a point won’t help, it often doesn’t. If you show them you’re tough, they’ll show you that you’re in their turf, and the girl you intend to marry is theirs…and they will make things difficult for you.

So, don’t be smart about it because they are not looking for that, all they want is what’s in the list to reach their hands, hence, take it easy. It doesn’t cost much, rather, it furthers endears you in their hearts. Begging elicits their pity and projects you as humble.

Why allow a few tubers of yam, or clothes deprive you of the happiness you seek with the person you love and have dated for as long as you have known each other.

Desmond Okon